The Diary of Sir Arthur Hellsing
by Tintenschwert
Summary: Arthur Hellsing, Chief of the Hellsing Organisation has to deal with many problems including a 13 year old butler, a vampire looking like a girl and Hellsing´s daily madness. predawn, with young walter and girlycard.and including alcohol.betaed by moralit
1. Chapter 1

_Diary of Sir Arthur Hellsing_

_Short Summary: . pre-Dawn.As said it´s written in the form of a diary. Means: ellipses.And things alike. _

_Sir Hellsing has to deal with the „normal" problems of Hellsing, a 13 year old butler, a vampire shaped like a little girl and the daily mayhem within Hellsing. Luckily there is his buddy Shelby Penwood, Chief of the Royal Navy. And Whiskey. Un-luckily for him there is Sir Islands._

_Disclaimer: I do **NOT **own Hellsing; it belongs to Kouta Hirano and Young King Ours. Any of the characters displayed (except of my own ) belong to Hellsing only. Any other places/ people/ events are either referring to real ones (see Buckingham Palace for example) or were made up by me. I do not mean to offend anyone, this is just for fun.. I don´t have anything against the British, the monarchy or our good friend alcohol. Please excuse some ooc-ness if discovered. Since this is only a translation of an already existing fic in german ( Das Tagebuch des Sir Arthur Hellsing) I would bid you to forgive me some rhetoric styles, translation difficulties and resulting strangeness. Since I´m the very author of the fic (please don´t sue me) I´m just trying to „broadcast" my works to a larger audience.( please don´t sue me for that either) And ..yes, I´m German, means: English´s not my first language so if you find any mistakes in grammar, spelling, ... or-what-so-ever, either ignore it or mail me constructive critics. And, to say it with the words with Monty Python´s Holy Grail: _

_**GET ON WITH IT!**_

28. September

Finally managed to restore our basement; quite a miracle after the last explosion. One big hail to our rock-foundations. Just inaugurating our black-magic-lab. Alchemist what-so-ever (Forgot his name. Again) requests a procedure to improve our banning-cursing-control-thingy. I don´t mind. Alucard not been happy about that, but is in a bad mood anyway. Pissed Walter off and got chased around the whole house. Lost his left underarm. Memo to myself: Avoid Alucard today. Walter´s still furious, that kid is scarying me. Memo to myself: Avoid Walter, too. Celebrated the inauguration with sparkling wine. 2 bottles. Not taking part into the experiment today, being rather occupied with the decomposing of alcohol.

29. September, Monday

Black-Magic-Experiment totally screwed. Alucard looks like a little girl now. And resulting is pissed off really bad. Memo: Check the equipment in the bomb-shelter. Walter laughed his head off. For 14 ½ minutes. (In a row.)

Then he cooled down. Offered to braid Alucard´s hair. I´ve never seen the boy running so fast in my entire life. Whiskey: I choked on it. In the evening Alucard had braids though. With little pink ribbons.

30. September, Tuesday

Once again pretty stormy weather today. Sergerant Mills slipped on the stairs, a nice thigh break-through. Whiskeys being dry today, stupid irony. Memo to myself: Beat up the cook. Supper tasted today like my tennis-shoe. Apropos, I lost mine. In my library. Memo: Have Walter clean up the library. Just regocnising that I´ve forgotten to close the window in my working suite. The indish monsuun is a shit against my persian carpet. Memo: Tell Walter to get new buckets, we´ve run out. Nothing more happened.

01. October, Wednesday I guess

Beat up the cook, was fun. Working suite still submerged, forgot to close the window yesterday. I know, my fault. Send Alucard with a Get-Well-Soon-Card to Mills in hospital (forced the team to sign it). Mills is now in a comatic stadium. Was I supposed to notice something when I saw the giant paw-tracks in my garden? Probably, but it´s too late now. Memo: Fire the gardener, all my plants are screwed. Been yelling on Alucard since (just to mention he´s still in pre-puberterian state) He and Walter are inseparable now. Walter just gave me the daily paper-things to sign. I really should start to read them now, I got an abonnement for the cosmopolitan now. Unable to cancel it. Damn! Memo: Beat the crap out of Walter and Alucard. Whiskey today excellent. Memo: Beat up the cook, it seems to have success.

03. October... ? idunno

Woke up 2 pm with a meeeeeeean hangover. In my bath-tub.Memo: Go out with Islands more often.Yesterday seems to be, ... well gone, doesn´t matter. Walter has cleaned up the library, Alucard´s beaten up the cook, I´m having Filét Mignon today and the cosmo is not that bad after all. Especially the pictures... Whiskey seems...thick. Memo: Visit the doc. Walter has made himself quite homely at the basement. Never mind.

04. October ...eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhh

Been at the doc´s. Memo: Have Alucard scare the hell out of the doc. Feelin quite crappy, must have eaten two graters in my sleep. Cook terminated today. Don´t understand, food was fine last days. Forced Walter to cook. Wasn´t too bad after all, I just happened to find Alucard´s middle finger in my soup. Memo: Buy a new set of knives and forbid Alucard by all he worships never to put a foot into the kitchen again. Whiskey was alright (after those soup)

05.October Friday or kinda off...

Came back to my senses around half past twelve. In my closet. In lady´s underwear. Memo: Forget Islands, Penwood´s my new boozing-buddy. Seem to have annoyed Alucard and/or Walter. All my suits are ruined, we got soap instead of tooth-paste and all we´ve got is **alcohol FREE! **Beer. I didn´t know something horrible even existed. By the way, Lieutenant Ford is having a before-wedding party at Hellsing´s. Poltern at Hellsing´s..oh great! (_author speaks: „polterabend" is a german tradition. A couple of days before a wedding a bunch of family members, friends, acquaintances and people alike come to the future home of the future married, having a party and whack lots of china on the floor and the bride and the groom have to clean it up. Summary: go to a party, free alcohol, wreck dishes and let someone other clean up the mess you created. Mulitply that by the number of guests and you have the hell of a party.) _I didn´t know he was engaged.. I didn´t know he had a girlfriend...quite suprising, I guess. I found two toes in my pudding.Whiskey gross... I found dog hair at the bottom of the bottle. Goin´pukin´. Just found out that it´s NOT funny being locked up at the toilet, fire alarms is yelling, you smell smoke and someone is singin´the Guy- Fawkes-Song. I begged Walter to forgive me, promised him a blanco-cheque for his new room and even promised Alucard to screw up the alchemist who´s responsible for that bloody experiment. Found out he did already. Made Ford cleanin´it up. Ordered Dinner from the chinese´s place. Yummy.

06. October, Tuesday..perhaps?

Was having dinner vegetarian-style. Satisfiyng. Alucard requested a new weapon, the tommy gun is just too much space-taking. Granted him to get an equal one. When it´s invented. Which I doubt to happen during my lifetime. Sergeant Mills woke up from coma, send Walter this time with a card. Should I have noticed that this „Walter" was having fangs and red eyes? Well..who cares now. Mills went on vacation. On Hawaii. Walter explained Alucard that that´s an island. Surrounded by water. Flowing water. Alucard´s been quite irritated whole day long. Gave him the chemistry-set the alchemist cough forgot . My aunt Rosie had birthday yesterday. Pretended to have the Plague. Grand-Uncle Willy´s birthday is next month, planning to be suprisingly ill that day. Penwood in important Navy-Meeting today. Damn it!

07. October

Which fucking idiot gave Aluvard a fucking chemistry-set! Got the hell of a crater in my entrance hall. Can spit on people´s heads from my music suite. Which I exactly did all day long. Forbid Alucard to ever approach explosive chemicals again. Then he looked at me. And I´m off boozing with Islands. Somehow landed on a ship in the middle of the themse. Swam to coast. Noticed at home that I left Islands behind. Who cares anyway?

08. October

Send Alucard to get a haircut. Know now what that „explosive" on spray cans means. Told Walter he should stop smoking in my working suite. He answered if I´d ever to work in here he´ll think over it. Bein´worried, that kid is spending way too much time with Alucard. Am I wrong or is he wearing kajal last days? Just received the bill from the hairdresser, now goin´ roar with Alucard.

Wasn´t able to find Alucard, this guy can walk thorugh solid walls after all. Whiskey run out, had three rage attacks, then was having kognac. We´re now run out of that too. I´m seeing everything four times at the same time now.

09. October

Just back from big operation. No casulties except my dignity. Memo to myself: If Alucard does _that _ever again I´ll send him to the vatican. In pink bra and thong. And let him dance the cán-cán right before the pope. And if Walter mentions _that _story ever again, he´s accompaining Alucard. In black varnish boots. With soooooooo big soles attached to them. Goin´get reeeeeeeeally drunk now. Where´s Penwood when you need him?

Shelby-boy and I were just that close to get rolled over by a tank. Nothing further happened.

10. October

Today´s polterabend for Lt. Ford.Seen his fiancée. Understand now why he´s rather having party with soldiers and ballistic experts than with the family.I smashed mother´s best china. Never mind. Didn´t know Ford could dance samba. Didn´t know either that my secretary was taking go-go lessons. Send Alucard and Walter to bed, that´s not quite suitable for kids. Noticed later that red ..stuff was leaking of the walls. Bad. And that we have to get the drinks by themselves. Worse. Was funny anyway. Whiskey was like ..bile. Still thursty. Forced Islands to come over with a few more drinks. And then kept him from leaving.

11. October

Having still party. Or again. We forgot we did already. Memo: Never drink alcohol out of strange black bottles with signs on it in a language you don´t kow. Force Islands to do that. Been seein´purple pixies at every corner. Annoying. Wanted to go to bed. Noticed that the infernal duo (a.k.a. Walter and Alucard) were having a private party last night. My pillow is soaked with alcoholic substances. There are bottles all over, under and in my mattress. And they both were drunken till the edge. Alucard explained I hadn´t said _which_ bed. Forced him to clean the mess up. And Walter to drive the guests home. Maybe it wasn´t the best idea to send a 13 year old in a rolls royce to drive all over London to get a bunch of drunken idiots into their beds. Memo: Buy myself a motorcycle. Been looking at the leftovers from the party. Memo: Never, never-ever-ever let Alucard alone with a broom and a dustpan. Whiskey disgusting, found pieces of the party in it.

13. October

Everything´s coming to normal. Step by step. Still more than the half of the staff is signed ill. Inclusive myself.

Islands came to mock over my behaving. Puked in front of his feet and lost concious. Devil alcohol. Walter´s spending really too much time with Alucard. A boy at his age should be having other friends than a bloody vampire. Then remembered that other boys are not member of Hellsing Organisation,not my butler, not called „Angel of Death" and certainly **not** able to slice vampires into discs. Never mind. Besides, he´s signed ill, too. Gonna visit him, never did since .. I don´t remember. Got lost in the basement, saw the fattest spider in my life and fought with some rats. Walter´s still suffering from the private party. Been lookin´at his room. Walls all black, books of Poe and Stoker..and the fact that only one wall is seperating him from Alucard (though it´s several feet thick and out of massive rocks) is making me quite worried. Memo: Get the poor boy some crucifixes and holy water. Didn´t touch the whiskey today, still over 3,5 promilles.

14. October

A brass band must have been in my head for last night. Booya. Walter and Alucard are now gambling who´s better at „Scarying-the hell-out-of-hellsing-soldiers". I personally would have favoured Alucard. And would have lost. Wonder where Walter got all those sceletons. And don´t want to know really. End of story: 3 heart attacks, 4 crying mercenaries and 2 laughing-themselves-to-death teenagers. Told the two to annoy anyone else. Regretted that heavily. Veeeeeeery heavily. Now sleepin´with loaded pistol under my pillow. Whiskey shallow.

15. October

Alucard and Walter still gambling. Told them to stop when Walter had to attend work in a french maid´s outfit. Soldiers recovered fine, just some nervous twitches left. Islands been around today. Looked at Walter in a strange way. Alucard beat the crap out of him. Atta boy. Gone drinkin´again with Shelby-boy. Dragging Islands with us.

Woke up in Cambridge. With Shelby-boy. Without Islands. Joined Greenpeace. With Shelby-boy. Without Islands. No whiskey at Greenpeace, vegetable alcohol. (whisper vodka) The world is spinning around way too fast. And in the false direction.

16. October

Sunny day, great weather. And I´m locked up here inside with the work of two weeks to go through. Been able to see Alucard and Walter from my window. Fuck those days off. And that I´m already through with mine. The two were driving around on my harley in the frontyard. Not quite fond of that. Alucard insisted on steering. Getting worried. Almost rolled over Ford. I love those two! Then they were playing soccer in the garden. Wonder were they got the ball, this is a military organistaion for killing vampires after all. Suddenly noticed that Alucard was some kind of short and that the „ball" had a face and let a bloody trail behind itself. Started yellin´at those, then opened the window and kept on yellin´for 10 minutes. Then Islands walked in. Yelled at him instead. Whiskey: cracked the glass in my fist. Despite shattered glass and blodd on my tongue still enjoyable.

17. October

Got a postcard from Mills. He´s having a great time o vacation and writes that he wishes the same for us. Was that close to put Alucard and coffin in a plane, but then didn´t do it. Employed a new gardener. At the sight of my lawn he fainted. Maybe I should have let someone take care of the blood there. Ilsands pissed, asking myself why. Didn´t see Alucard today yet. Alright. But...I haven´t seen Walter today either. Wonder if that´s only a coincidence... Unusual that silence, no breaking dishes, no screaming soldiers, no threatful sounds at all, and no Walter chasing Alucard and yelling untellable things at him. Wonder where the boy gets those expressions. Looked at my last speech for our „round table". Not wondering anymore. Gone playin´ scrabble with the team. I won. Of course, guess who´s name is on their paycheques. Whiskey´s pretty nice, goin´to play monopoly with Shelby-boy, Islands and Ford..

Lost against Ford...guess who´s now cleanin´up after Alucard.

18. October

Ford married today. Positive he´s on honeymoon. In Sibiria. Negative I lost my clean-up-man. Don´t care. Islands´s in my bureau, telling me I ignored 2 meetings and 17 memos. That´s wrong. I didn´t ignored that memos. I used them as firelighters for my cigarettes. And then remembered that I don´t smoke at all. Burned the memos anyway. Bein´ around with Shelby-boy again. Woke up at Madame Tussaud´s this time. In the middle of the declaration of independence. Told Walter to pick me up. And bring pants for me with him. And for Shelby-boy. Been scaring school children on excursion in the meantime. Whiskey boring, I shoul beat up the coo... oh. I should hire one first.

19. October

The day started with an explosion. How only did I knew that was having something to do with Alucard? Called him into my office. Listened to his story. Then called Walter and listened to how it really was. All in all. Flour-Dust-Explosion. Memo to myself: Who needs a cook when you don´t have a kitchen anymore? I certainly don´t. Yellin´at Alucard what he was doin´in the kitchen anyway. Then yelled again because I forbade him that anyway. He countered he wasn´t supposed to put a foot in the kitchen, I said never anything about paws. He should get rid of that sarcasm, that´s driving me crazy. Took all of duties off Walter and made him a warden for Alucard 24/7.Seen Alucard smirking after that. Poor boy.

20. October

Islands sucks, I beat him up. Just because I can. Operation today, nothing happened. Doubt that these bloodstains will ever get washed ut of my suit again. Wonder how Alucard does that. Then remembered that he´s Alucard and stopped questioning. New meeting for the „round table" next friday. I just have to know what day it is today... Memo: Let Walter get us a calendar. Been with my workers (restoring kitchen and crater) during lunchtime. Result: Bratwurst tastes great, so does german beer. I´m gonna put that on my food list. When I have a cook. Who I´m going to employ when I got a kitchen... Been in boozing-mood. Hanging around with Shelby-boy and Islands.

Woke up in St. Paul´s Cathedral. Funny. Islands married a guard from Buckingham Palace. Even more funny. I´ve converted to the islam religion. Strange. Shelby-boy´s a buddha-guy now. Really fun. Found the hand of a monkey in my pocket, disgusting. Gave it to alucard so he has something to play with...well..helikes it. Whiskey´s tasting like vanille-pudding now. I overdid it.

21. October

Seen Alucard on sugar rush today. I´m goin´on vacation tomorrow. On a distant, DISTANT island in the carribbean sea. Surrounded my lots and lots of floaty-floating water. Walter promoted to butler. Wasn´t he exactly that before...I don´t wanna think of that. Thinking of Walter, he´s becoming quite a goth last time. Black clothes, black hair, black make-up and he´s 99 percent of his time with an undead person. If he asks me for a coffin now, Alucard´s so fuckin´screwed. If he thinks I didn´t notice that marks on Walter´s neck, he´s sooooooo wrong. Ouch! Just cut mayself with this fucking paper. Why is Alucard staring at me? I´m off. Aloha ohoh or something. Not drinkin´today, gotta catch my plane.

22.October

Kreat is beautiful.I love the Carribbean. Just where are all the funny inhabitants with their raffia skirts and coconuts? Here are only goats. And I didn´t know that the aigais was in the vicinity of Port Nassau. Feelin´bad right now..how could I leave poor Walter with all this mess behind? Called Shelby-boy to get me back.

Shelby just arrived, talked him into drinking competition with some ouzo. He won. Barely. And off we go!

So strangely we landed in England anyway.Shelby-boy´s a prett good pilot. For nearly 4 promilles. Decided to keep the helicopter, I better not give it back in that shape. Feelin´t the urge to whistl innocently. Hitchhhiking back to headquarter, took me 4 hours. But I´ve only been in one suburb of London.

To my great surprise is the house still standing. And only three windows are smashed. No one even noticed I was gone. Fuck them all. Gone drinkin´with Islands, Shelby-boy´s still pissed because of the helicopter.

Woke up in house of Parliaments. Islands was wearing the wig of that boss there and I had the hat of the queen on my head. I thin we´re in trouble. Tiptoed out through the back door. Forgt Islands. Oops. If someone asks I stand under some side effects of my jetlag. Goin´back to headquarter´s , damn those high heels. And the fucking yellow dress.

23. October

Found out that tights don´t really seem to fit me. Islands neither. Operation today, stayed at home. Wise decision. Alucard decided on the way back that he would find out how to drive an army- truck. With passengers still inside. I got Walter a pay rise – for logic use of his mind in extreme danger situation. He just bolted through the window. I´m gonna need a bunch of plasters for him, for the others it´s a lifetime therapy. I got the plasters, screw the psychologist. Let Alucard swear to never drive a truck again.Never. And if the hell freezes and Jesus Christ is goin´for a lapdance in a nigthgown then still he´s still not to do it. And if I get really drunk and forgot what I just said and allow him to drive a truck, then still not.Goin´hidin´inside my closet, the traffic inspector is coming. Whiskey´s okay, just a bit old. No wonder, it´s from my secret closet-hide-out-emergency-boozing-hide-out. Arranged in 1935.

24. October

Bein´stiff today after hiding for 4 ½ hours inside my closet. Traffic inspector´s really stubborn. Hid another 2 hours under my desk. Luckily for me he´s very shortsighted, too. Feelin´muscles I even didn´t dare to fear I might got them. Alucard´s in an excellent mood today, wonder why. Had a look into Walter´s calendar, Halloween´s next week. Was just on my way to the airport when I received a letter from the Queen. Invitation to a royal ball on All Hallow´s Eve. So long and good night. It says that I´m allowed to come in company, plus a guest also with company. Short considered of dragging Islands in a pink dress all the way, just to see what´ll happen. Reminded me somehow of my last experience in the House of Parliaments. I think I won´t do it. And I guess he´ll be invited, too, so I have to think of something else. My guest is Walter, he has to go around with people that are not dead for quite a while, veterans of all kinds of war or fuckin´alchemists. Well, I dunno if the royal family is any better, but I can´t imagine an alternative right now. Didn´t touch my whiskey today, red gloo in it. Goin´to beat the crap out of Alucard. And walter along. Something tells me he´s not quite innocent referring to that. Namely his knowing smile and the certain look in his eyes.

25. October

Been thraetening the infernal duo to coem to ball with me if they screw anything up this week. And if they´re behaving really stupid I´m choicing their costumes. Say Goldlocks or Cinderella.Or a pink bunny and Little Red Riding Hood. Alucard´s now somehow even paler than usual. Has decided to lock himself up in his coffin to prevent him from doin´anything stupid. And took Walter along. Should that make me think? It should but I don´t mind. Shelby-boy´s cooled off now, it´s goin´to be a smashing night.

Come to my senses in an airplane. Destnation: Rio de Janeiro. Passagiers: Islands, Shelby-Boy, myself, the traffic inspector(?), Shelby again (?) and two mexicans having a siesta. Packings: 2 boxes of sparkling wine, 2 barrels of beer, 3 goats and SHELBY ONCE AGAIN? We didn´t land in Brazil though, we ended up in Leeds. Eternal Damnation to that man who invented maps. Goin´to drink myself into coma.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Thanks to FlareReynolds for my first review, to VamHex for reviewing twice and to Theonlysaya for reviewing and make my story a fav. Love you guys, das Tintenschwert.


	2. Chapter 2

Author´s Talking:

First of all, thanks to all my reviewers; you guys rock! I´d like to thank: FlareReynold, the first one to review; saya54 for reviewing and for making my story a fav and VamHex for reviewing twice (that´s the German readers) and now: Crystalwren for being my first English reviewer, Morality for reviewing and for making my story a fav, LinkEn-16 for reviewing, as well as J Luc Pitard for reviewing and last but not least Lady Mear for making my story a fav. THANKS!

Desperately looking for a beta-reader! Anyone who thinks to be destined a beta reader send me a message. Please! I know that I´m not good concerning language, grammar, spelling, ... just to sum it up: Pretty please, beta readers help me! beg (Would be great if you would speak German, but that´s not required)Heeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeee!

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27. October

Kitchen was being repaired today. Had Alucard swear by all the seven gates of hell never to set even a molecule into it. Twice. Memo: Let Walter employ a cook. I´m starving. Just decided to have a barbecue. Steaks, Hot Dogs and Steaks. And beer. LOTS of beer. Alucard was playing the cook. I don´t have a kitchen. Anymore. Nevermind, the beer´s still fine. Cheerio!

Woke up at 6 am and thought a was a squirrel. Noticed two hours later that I´m no one. By trying to climb up a tree. Naked. Found a shot glass in my cheek. No trace of Shelby or Islands yet. Or of Walter and Alucard. Or of my kitchen...

28. October

Found Shelby, he lay under my couch and was eating toothpaste. With orange-juice. Alucard was hanging upside down from my ceiling. Wearing a wine-red cocktail dress.

Fuck Islands!

Going to search walter. Alright he´s not in the salon, there is the mariachi band. And there´s no way I´m going into the basement without bazookas. He wasn´t in the bathroom either, only things there were my boxers and my rubber ducky. Found a toy frog wich is ( around 76 percent probability) not mine. Found Walter, he was sleeping inside the piano. Got a telegram from Islands, he has joined the French Foreign Legion and is on the way to Kuala Lumpur (or something) Ha Ha! Whiskey tastes like peppermint, should stop eating toothpaste.

29.October

Islands arrived in London this morning. Back from Guacamole or wherever he has been. Looked quite like it. Nicked the last cab and made his luggage sent to Namibia. I don´t know where that is, but it sounds like it´s far far away. Cool. Got to think about my Halloween costume. Can´t decide between Bigfoot, King Arthur or the Grim Reaper. (Think I favour the King.) Alucard smoked up all of Walter´s cigarettes. Walter ran into basement chasing Alucard. Bloodlust in his eyes. Alucard came back several hours later (partially I admit) Walter didn´t. Goin to the rescue, dragging along Shelby, Alucard and Islands. After 3 hours of a quite brutal search still no Walter in sight. Whiskey...cloudy, disgusting. Islands fainted, the rest of us is still maching on. We found Walter he was in the wine cellar.

I HAVE A WINE CELLAR?

Correction: I don´t have a wine cellar.

Anymore.

Woke up at Trafalgar Square. On the lap of Sir Nelson. Sneaked away discreetly. Shelby was degraded to a bus driver, than to a garbage man and was General of the Royal Navy the end of the night again.Caught Alucard and Walter making out. Alucard thought he was Mina Harker and Walter the second Errol Flynn. Didn´t tell them. Took photos instead. 1 pound per print.

30. October

Found a dead rat inside my closet. Expected that. On my desk was a talking skull with a vast knowledge of curses and insults. Can tolerate that. All of my clothes were arranged as a pyre and is still on fire. Never mind. Found a newt in my whiskey. THAT MEANS WAR!

Made my HQ in my bureau. Silver sword – check. Garlic – check. My grandfather´s gun – check. Ditch around my desk – still under construction. Shot yet 4 times on Alucard and 2 times on Walter. At least on critical hit. Hope so, got no bullets left. Goin to melt my letter opener for some. Memo: Tell Walter to...oh remember... Locked myself with that stupid ditch. Shot for the fifth time on Alucard, hit his head. First wanted to hang it over my fireplace, then decided to flush it down the toilet. Walter sits with a huge grin and a burning cigarette on my last whiskey barrel. Now working on a piece treaty. Hope they didn´t detect the pink flower wallpaper in their rooms yet. I´m outta here.

Was in a pub with Shelby, was pretty fun. I can´t remember a thing, but I woke up in the morgue and got a few people the shock of their lives. Been the whole day busy digging Shelby out of the ground again.


	3. Halloween

Author's talk : Here's finally the third chapter, after the second being so short. (I have to admit I wrote it on a school trip to Weimar, but I hope you can forgive me. I got stung by a bee in my hand on that trip, while I was asleep. You can figure out why I didn't write that much then) I'd like to apologize for a few (few? laugh ) mistakes so far. fanfiction doesn't seem to recognize all my quotation marks (Heaven knows why) so there are few missing. I'm sorry for that. I also hope that I didn't make too many mistakes related to time line and so on. This story should be somewhere around 1944/1945 or so. Excuse me for those mistakes either.

Once again thanks to FlareReynolds, VamHex, saya 54, Crytalwren, LinkEn-16, Lady Mear, J Luc Pitard and especially thanks to fabulous Morality.

News, news: I got a beta-reader! hooray makes the I´m- so- happy-dance And it´s none other than the amazing -starts a mexican wave- Morality! Thank you Morality, I´m forever in your debt. You´re so cool. Thanks! bear-hugs Morality. Hussa!

So, stop talking and let´s get this party started. Hellsing´s waiting...

31. October

Damn!Only to make that clear: I HATE HALLOWEEN! O.K., I don´t have anything against the occasion, only against all those morons on the streets. I despise all those nasty brats who only want to get themselves as many sweets as possible. . . Asked Walter whether he could make chocolate bars with cyanide. He couldn't, Alucard had taken our cyanide for sugar and eaten it all. Damn egoist! And I have to go to that stupid party. At least I'm dragging the infernal duo with me. I only have to decide, who will suffer more: those two, the people at the party or me, myself and I.

Made my decision – I'm dressing up as a pope, just because I can. And I will take photos and send them to Vatican, just because I can and I will put a hand-grenade in the package, just because I, well just for fun actually.

Shelby called, wanted to know what I will be dressed up like. Recognized that I stole his idea. Now he's pretending to be Merlin, because he can hide booze in that pointy hat of his. Fuck! I should have thought of that myself. Too late.

Told Alucard to scare all of the visitors off. Now I remember why I'm paying him, well if I did. Have to order costumes for those two. Got mine on already. What are you laughing at? That will cause trouble, biig trouble. One more word and guess who's dressing up like Rapunzel and Rumpelstilzchen .

O.K. I _know_ who will go dressed up like that.

Wonder whom the golden hair suits more: Alucard or Walter, somethings just crashed! That sounded heavy and expensive. Forget about Rumpelstilzchen, I'm rather thinking of Lady Macbeth and Snow-white, in corsage and leather dresses. . . Can hear them whisper . . . inside my walls (How did Walter get in there anyway?) If they talk about _that_, then . . .

Enough is enough! NOW they will show up as Johannes the Baptiser and Jesus from Nazareth: **beheaded and crucified**!

Took Walters cigarettes and Alucards coffin as a guarantee. Oh my God, I've never seen any of those two so willing to co-operate even when I (and/or they) was drunk. And that means a lot.

I've showed some mercy at last. Actually I just wanted to see the royalties suffer; anyway,Walter will show up as a rider of Apocalypse (plus horse) and Alucards impersonating Jack the Ripper (authentic too, with scalpel and bloodstained . .things)

Whiskey is excellent, perhaps it is the fact that I'm trying to keep my alcohol level over 4 pro miles for several hours. No one said I had to come sober after all.

Oh Lord, Alucard is rubbing that on and off, literally, my floor's a total mess with bloodstains. Come here you little . . .

On the other hand, let the Queen take care of them. I'm planning to loose consciousness in some 15 minutes after arrival at the party and remain so for 6 hours.

Something is honkin, the limos here. Walter prefers to ride to Buckingham Palace himself, understand that. Who would want to get a horse with flaming nostrils and hooves on fire in the car? Immediately three people spring into my mind, but let's get over that now. Buckingham Palace, beware, WE ARE HELLSING!

Hit Shelby in the side on the parking lot. Pretty funny. Discovered Islands, EEEEEWWWW!

Queen's dressed up like . . .Queen Mary, The Bloody Mary, ain't it? Shouldn't have said that one out loud, Alucards looking at her in a strange way. Walter arrived, his horse trampled over Islands. I'll keep it and name it Fury.

Initiating phase 1 of my plan: Head straight towards buffet, don't care that the tiara is totally screwed up now, those sandwiches were worth it. Shelby's back again, alive and kicking. Some liquid is dripping from his hat – grog I'd say. Yep, definitely grog. Goin boozin.

Shrill screams, Walter! Alucard! Astonishing, how someone's making puppy eyes and trying to hide a bloody scalpel/ scythe behind his back at the same time. Especially when you're less than 1,7 m tall and are more than skinny. Hell, who cares? Its Halloween after all, let them have their fun..

On to phase 2: Make your repetition as "the bottomless barrel" all possible honour.

Metallic sounds, screaming women(and men), ripping, calls like " Stay here you damn bastard!" and " If I get you, you wish you'd never died!", makes me feel like home. Reacting as usual – shrug, turn around, pour myself another glass and let's get this party started!

Dancing, Shelby's singing and Alucard and Walter are destroying the furniture. The rest of the guests is hiding under tables. Fun! - " What shall we do with a drunken sailor, what shall we do?" yeah, what shall we do now? Never mind, all alcohol is gone.

Moving on to phase 4: Vomit! Phase 4 accomplished

Phase 5: Hit th floor already unconscious. Wait a sec. Asked Alucard to take me home and stop ripping Walters clothes. Then asked Walter to stop hitting Alucard and take me home and someone should better get Shelby a gag. He's supposed to make Islands shut up!

Phase5: done.

Having a hangover of my life, a white tiger is sitting on my bed. I am up on the closet, dressed up like Bloody Mary. Ouch, my head!

Yellin for Alucard/Walter for an aspirin for 5 minutes . . no one came. Shelby says he wants to get out of my drawer, he wants to go to the toilet. Islands has the same opinion, my shoe closet is not comfortable enough for him. Whiny sissy!

Alucards hovering through my ceiling upside down, doesn't focus and cracks all the way down into the basement.

Fury is sticking its head in, looks at me, kicks the shoe closet and exits my room.

Walter is dragging himself inside, wearing black . . shreds. He takes his wires, opens the closet with them and goes out again. Told him to look for Alucard in some 2 or 3 hours.

Shelby's running in the approximate direction of my bathroom, Islands is crouching out of my closet. My grandmother's faster than him and she died 33 ago.

Got off that stupid wardrobe of mine, made the tiger leave my bed and am going to get some sleep. Damn this wig!


	4. Chapter 4

Author Talking: Hi you, my dearest ones. Chapter 4 is on running. Thanks to my reviewers (n00binador is the latest) and to everyone, who made Arthur´s babbling to a fav. Extra thanks to Dalia n´Shard and Crystalwren for your suggestions I immediately adopted. Hope you like it. Special Thanks to Crystalwren who added me to c2 – Angel of Death-. Cool! Read the stuff there! advertisement advertisement..read the stories there read the stories there... Pay a lot of attention to the works there.

Another story of mine was also added, Trip to Dawn. I now decided to leave it as a one shot. Sorry if anyone wanted a next chapter, I might write a sequel if I´m in the mood. Thanks to Crystalwren for that, too. You´re awesome!!

And the greatest of all thanks to my precious beta-reader Morality!!! You rule! And you´re suggestions...Good Work!

_playing cheerleader: Go! Morality! Go!_

2. November

On a mission again. Terminating vampires seems routine now, it was fun before. Alucard´s pissed. The vampire laughed at him, because he looks like a girl. Wasn´t exactly a good idea to join in. Is smoking with rage now. Walter´s absent since this mission; either he´s hiding from Alucard or we simply forgot him inside the jeep. Sent one of the boys to look him up. Didn´t return, met Alucard on the way. It´s enough now. Sent the remaining alchemists for reversing of ban-stuff-thingy-that-made-Alucard-shrink. Starting in two hours. Made a fortress in my library. No one´s gonna come lookin for me there. Not in thousand years.

3. November

Still hiding in the library. After that scream I heard just a minute ago, it certainly doesn´t seem I´m getting out of here before Xmas. Well, no one´s looking for me; that´s just the idea nearly everyone else had. It´s getting quite stuffed in here; all maids, half of the soldiers, Walter and Shelby-boy, who decided to drop by for a visit. We´re running out of food, someone has got to be sacrificed and chosen to go get some. We can hear a distant scream. On the other hand I´d always wanted to try a diet...

Walter told me what happened: Some alchemist fucked it up again; Alucard´s a blond now. With curls. Forget Christmas, next Easter sounds more and more inviting.

The hours are passing by and no one has eaten a thing since last supper. HUNGRY! Some soldiers are nibblin on books, carpets (etc, etc etc...) and Walter´s gone crazy. He developed this "We´re all gonna die, we´re all gonna die..." attitude. And he ate my pen. Who cares.

4. November

Alucard´s cooled off. All alchemists are dead and rottin´. Dared to sneak out of library. Alucard seems to be better now. Seems...I spontaneously decided to invite them for an ice-cream, while the others are cleaning up. Walter managed to make Alucard´s hair smooth again. And he coloured it black again.

Explained to Alucard that B negative is not a sort of ice cream. Don´t think he listened to me. Never mind.

Didn´t know you could get drunk from amaretto-ice-cream...

Woke up inside the opera, dressed up like the viking-lady. Complete with axe and braids. Gone showerin´. Found Alucard, as the phantom of the opera. When he was trying to cut the ropes of the chandelier. Walter looked like Pipp Longstockings, don´t know why...

5. November

Happy Guy-Fawkes-Day! We are merrily making the puppet. Walter cut his finger, is running from Alucard now. Poured some spirit over the puppet while no one was looking. That´s gonna be one bonfire of a kind. Explained to Alucard, that "you don´t blow the parliament". (didn´t work last year, this year it´s Big Ben´s turn) Fireo! Our little procession is marching through London. Me first, then Shelby-boy with the _bollerwagen. (Author: that´s some kind of cart you only use to transport lots and lots of liquor, when you´re too lazy to carry it on your own)_ then Alucard and Walter who are scaring off the little children. They had´nt _had_ to wear the costumes of Henry VIII and wife (I forgot which one was the beheaded one). Who cares? I think it´s funny. Last (and definitely the least) is Islands who has to carry our guy. Singin´ "Brother Jacob" and frightened a few students to death. Arrived at Big Ben. Left the matches at home. Fuck! Never mind, we´ll just lay the puppet with the others and hope someone´s going to do something clever with them. Stopped in a pub on the way back home.

Woke inside a carriage. In a clown´s suit. Threatened the coachman to give me a lift home. Showed up just in time to see Shelby-boy and Islands arriving in a row boat. On the asphalt. Alucard had called his coffin for him and Walter...that damaged my sensitive psyche forever.

7. November

We´re playing "Hide and seek". Haha! Hiding in the (ex) wine cellar. Which I filled up with Whiskey. And the door of which I barricaded. Walter´s hideout is Alucard´s coffin. Since no one except him (and Alucard) dares to go even near this thing, he´s intending to spend a while in it. With comic books, a flashlight and a whole bucket of ice-cream. Shelby-boy´s inside the beer barrel, I myself nailed the lid shut. And Alucard´s inside the wall playing "Sink the ships" with himself.

Its been 5 hours, no change yet. Islands did pass my hiding spot, he just couldn´t get the door open. Victory! Alucard dropped by for a visit. Is currently dancing hula on the table. I don´t care.

9. November

Still playing "Hide and seek". I´m getting bored. Shelby wants to get outside, the beer´s gone. Alucard wanted to kick Walter out of his coffin. Now both are laying inside and reading "Batman".

Look! The pink elephant cycled past in tandem with my grandma. He asked me how much the bananas costed. Five dongos, dumbass.

12. November

Stopped finally. Shelby-boy wants a shower, I ran out of booze and the infernal duo has no vanilla-flavoured ice-cream left. Islands lays covered in tears on the floor (in embryo-position). We told him it´ll be fun to race down the main stairs with skates. It is fun. For us.

Gone boozin´. Got lost inside the mirror-maze. Took me 4 hours to get out. And I were the first. I´m sorry for Alucard, he´s not able to see himself. After six hours he just burst through berserker-style. Despite the mirror shards in clothes, funny evening.

13. November

Was invited to welcome to the Chinese National Delegation. Been forced to attend. Mr Li´s very friendly, was smiling all the time. Got to know later that he´s unable to understand one single word English. Chinese rice-wine veeeery tasty, drunk a whole ton of it. Fun.

_Just my thoughts _Who was that? Oh, it´s Bob, my imaginary friend from kindergarten. Gone to say hello. Sayonara or stuff...

Woke up in a bus. Half the way to Peking. Next to Mr Li and a crocodile. Beat him up and forced him (with a little aid of the derringer from my left sock) to take me home. Passed a tornado and an ice-berg. Were outraced by a flying banana.

14. November

Called the Vaticane. O.K., I admit, I wanted to order a pizza and dialed the wrong number. The pope is a bit ..extreme...but a nice fella though. Poor guy, think about celibacy once...Haha! Did I mention I´m calling per R-service? Signed my brother up for priest-seminar. Haha! This day´s getting better and better. Gone drinkin´ my head out...oh, I already did.

Walter just came into my bureau. He wants to marry Alucard. And he asked me to be the best man.

Summary: The representative of God on the phone, my brother´s a priest and Alucard and Walter are engaged?

There´s Alucard in a crimson smoking, Walter in wedding dress with veil and bouquet?

Caught the damn bouquet... Walter and Alucard Tepesz? My brother, Monsignore? The pope´s gonna sue me? There can´t be so much alcohol in this world...can it??????????

Yup, Chapter 4 is up. Sorry, it took so long. (If anyone noticed, the German version was faster. I´m just a lazy person...) I should be studying math right now...oh, bloody hell.

ATTENTION: Two aspects of this chapter were inspired by Crystalwren and Dalia n´Shard. (Thank you, love you all smooooochies for everyone So, the **"Gimme your wacky ideas**" -operation is now running. If you have one stupid idea, mad idea, just write a review and tell me, or send me a pm. If you have an image on your mind you want to see Young Walter/Girlycard/Arthur/Shelby or Islands in, just tell me. (OK, if you want to, you can write about Richard, too.) I´ll see what I can do in Chapter 5. (and if someone has any idea how I can come out of what I´ve written myself in just up there, please, please, pleeeeeease tell me.)


	5. Chapter 5

Author´s Talking: BEWARE! I´m back. This is Sir Arthur Hellsing speaking. ...no, just kidding, it´s just me. Hello folks! First of all thanks to amazing Morality, what would I do without you? Probably lying in the next corner and screaming desperately for a beta-reader...Morality, you´re the best. Also thank you for reviewing.

Thank you lifeiswonderful...and special thanks to crystalwren. I´m back, you see. Thanks for your offering +hug+

As far as the **Gimme your wacky ideas** thingy is concerned, I have received many and very funny (deadly funny) comments. How do you guys get such ideas? ...I should look into the mirror and ask this question again..mirror, mirror on the wall...what happened to my image?! I´m going to slay that stupid vampire!

Disclaimer: Hellsing´s not mine. Is there really anyone out there who actually thinks I´m Kouta Hirano? Yeah, I mean YOU! If you´re reading this, I´m _not_ Kouta Hirano. Seriously...

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17. November

OMG! Awoke in the hospital. Alcohol poisoning they say. No wonder really, if you ask the head doctor. What I would never do. Which seems to be absolutely clear to the fiiiiine doctor, because it was an "incompetent, drunk brain-dead" who said it. I was pretty surprised that the doctor has such a good insight on his persona.

The last couple of days are gone. Don´t know where, don´t know why. Only hope I did nothin stupid. The little voice inside my head says:"Ooooooh, you did". Was confirmed as my brother in nun´s clothes rushed inside my room. „Pope call" - that sentence lied buried beneath a lot of Jack Daniel´s inside my brain. I signed Richard up for the nun lessons by accident (ohhh, really?) It would have worked. If he would have gotten rid of that moustache. Jumped out of the window. In those hospital gowns. Don´t get me wrong, I love a fresh breeze, but right now I really wish I had my pants with me. Which are laying inside my room. Next to a raging nun with a chainsaw.

Sneaking in through the vents. Met Walter after the second turn. He just wanted to know why I sent him a cake with "Love and Kisses for the newlyweds" Told him I was drunk. He quickly accepted it. Told him to distract Richard so I can get my pants back. That were removed by the staff to the laundry. On to the vents! Grabbing blindly for my pants. Got a skirt instead. Drove home on my Harley.

18.November

Whiskey fantastic – sweet, sweet freedom. Told Alucard to burn down Oxford,just because. Told Walter to burn down Cambridge. For justice, I think. Sent my soldiers on a fitness test. To Nicaragua. I like the sounding of that word. Sounds pretty. Sitting at my desk and playing hangman with myself. Still in skirt. Slowly beginning to understand the Scots...

Awoke from my stupor at 3 minutes past five am. In the circus. On a tightrope. On a one-wheel. Drove on it back home afterwards. Only if the stupid elephant would stop following me

19.November

Crawling in my wine cellar/ V.I.P. Lounge, like I call it. With a brand new barrel of booze and Mr Jiggles. My best friend in the whole world. He lost that eye in the battles in Sansibar against the robot-cannibals from the Venus. When I was three years old. The scars on his arm are from his time as a pro-formula 1 driver. And he was on the moon. Twice. Sorry Mr Jiggles, thrice. He´s my hero. Even if vicious people tell me he looks like a teddy bear. what just made click here? I hate this.. come Mr Jiggles, we are leaving. What? We´re taking the invisible bat-mobile? Great idea!! Let me hug you Mr Jiggles!!

click+

20.November

Still don´t know what makes +click.+

Had to let Mr Jiggles go; he´s on a secret mission on behalf of her majesty to Marocco. Shalom, my friend. The click stopped after the Islamic goodbye kiss. I have that strange feeling that someone is walking on my grave to dance cha-cha.

Sent Alucard to a shaman, I don´t trust alchemists any more. Can´t say it helped even one bit. His paranoia has increased rapidly. Is just sitting on his coffin, rocking back and forth, is stroking the wood and is whispering to himself like _What do you want from coffin? You can´t have her. She´s mine. My coffin. My own. Sweeeeet coffin. I can see you want her just for yourself. Back off. My coffin! myyyyyy cooooffiiiiiinn!!!!!!_ Accompanied by a throaty giggle.

Going to bed early. I miss Mr Jiggles. click Lord! Can´t one man suck on his thumb in peace once? Damn it!!

21.November

Hiding inside the fridge. Richard was here. Was looking for me. Had Walter say I went abroad. To Spitzbergen. Richard got off. Got stuck with my tongue to a t-bone-steak. Calling for help sounds weird now. Alucard heard me. Between _coffin_ and _you can´t have her_ he didn't say much. Except _filthy little thieves, my precious ..._he repeated that pretty often. Fleeing instinct kicks in.Help me Mr Jiggles!!

Shelby saved me. He found me while he was looking for a beer. I love Shelby-boy. Fallen head over heels for him..for exact 7,2 seconds. Feeling warm again. Could be the bear fur or the 4,2 litres of whiskey..tend to option number two...Invited Shelby-boy for dinner Indian-style. Curry is good. Good and spicy. Really good, just spicy. In fact, just spicy. Burnt my throat. Three times. Were in the pub afterwards. Drank some green stuff. Am living the day before yesterday again. Had to think about Mr Jiggles and burst into tears. I wanna go home.

22.November

Alucard is slowly recovering, just some single twitches left and _my precious coffin_ but he´s back to normal now. I wanna go to the fair. Taking the devilish duo with me. Shelby-boy was forced into the army again. To R´lyeh..or was it Lemuria? Don´t care, he left me his keys. Took them from his bag while he was giving me the Don´t-do-anything-stupid-while-I´m-away-lecture. Found Alucard. Was sitting in coffin-baby. Am looking for Walter now. Found him. Sat in the dungeon and was singing "My fair Lady".

Am on the giant wheel. Walter on the scooter. Alucard in the roasted almonds. And in the horror show. And in the tent of the fortune teller. At least his upper torso. Bought myself cotton candy. Alucard inside, too. Ewww. Gone pukin´.

Am back. Alucard´s next to Walter in the scooter now. (_You had to turn left back there. I´m sick. Watch the street. Do you look on the map or am I doing this? I told you to turn right. Stop it, I´m getting out._)

Memo to myself: Don´t let Alucard on the front seat. While Walter is driving. Avoid driving cars at all. Where is the beer tent? I want to drink myself into a stupor!!

23.November

Am sitting in the bath tub and lookin´for how long I can hold my breath. Until now, two minutes. I am not feeling good of all a sudden...

3 minutes

3 ½ minutes...

I give up. Moochie´s tellin´me he´s concerned about my health. Yeah, the rubber ducky is fine. Like a pet but only better. Because 1) you can´t drown it (hamster Mandy) and 2) because it doesn't break if you chew on it (birdie Sam) I like Moochie.

click+

AAAAAAAAAAHRG

Islands thinks I should get myself a date. After the thing with Veronica I don´t care about the females anymore...didn't...for two days. Alucard thinks he must update my dating skills with some advise. I don´t think so, I´m a good flirter. Sadly the women don´t agree. But I doubt that Alucard´s tipp will help me. Neither the sentence "I am **prince** Vlad" nor an old Transylvanian folk tale is going to help. And it´s far too complicated to release a white wolf from the zoo, put it into a movie and rescue the damsel in distress.

24.November

I don´t know when Walter´s birthday is. But I think it must be sometime in the winter. Next Thursday sounds good, right? Only have to know what day is today. Saturday? Or Wednesday? I´m normally telling the date by the TV broadcasts, but Alucard ate the TV-set. It was staring at coffin-baby. Going to hide before Richard. He got himself a flame thrower. Hiding where he would never search me: convent. Not too bad at all. I like how the black accentuates my cheekbones... BAAAAAD thoughts!!!! Out of my head!!

Am going to get some traditional nun´s booze.

Awoke at 3 (pm.) in a wheel-barrow in the emergency room. I hate hospitals. The disinfecting alcohol tastes not good at all. At least not good enough to bear the thought that it is alcohol after all. But there are plenty of pretty nurses round here...

25.November

Was lookin for Walter´s birthday present. Bought a cactus. Named it Charlie. He´s kinda cute click

I´m done, I´m going to give it to Alucard. _My Charlie, my own, myyyyyyyyy...Gollum!_

Going to Shelby-boy to sulk. Oopsie, he is still in..Atlantis? Am sitting in his lighthouse and am drinking grog. Mama Penwood makes the best grog in whole England. Pretty sure about that.

Woke at 04:42 am. On a deserted road. With Shelby-boy in piggy-pack. Where did he come from? Dropped him and sat on him. Comfy...could be my alcohol level..or the chicken suit.

26.November

Am pukin´. The last (out of 8) beer barrels must have been a bad one. Islands is joining me. Nicked his wallet. Lots of credit cards. Getting Walter and Alucard. If someone asks, I´m shopping. If Islands or Richard is asking, I´m dead. First stop: Harrod´s.

Bought a heap of Rolex watches. And a huge hammer. And am giving a show as "Arthur the Great Magician" in the children´s corner. Told Alucard to get to the plush toys and search for the fluffiest, cutest pink bunny..and eat his head. Just because. Walter should buy himself something nice and normal. What boys in his age have back home. Personally, I doubt that boys his age have tanks, but if he´s happy with that...I´m fine. Still got Shelby-boy´s keys, they must have at least one tank standing somewhere everyone can see it, right?

Back home. Stuffed Islands in the trash can and ran. OK, I didn't HAVE to hit him with a baseball bat, but it felt soooooo good. Remembered I left Alucard in the toy section. My bad.

But I´m not sorry. Not one bit.

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author´s babbling:

Hey, I´m back. I don´t know when Walter´s birthday is, or when Harrod´s even existed in 1943/44..but I don´t care. Excuse my long absence. But I´m back as you can see


	6. Chapter 6

**The Diary of Sir Arthur Hellsing**

Disclaimer: as if I would write fan fiction if I owned them

Stuff: Sorry for the long absence, but I'm back now

* * *

28. November

Been boozin´. Ouch, my head, Ouchie! Noises – not good. Moving – not good. Hellsing – not good for me. Told Alucard to fix that hole that appeared mysteriously in the wall yesterday. Should have Alucard with a hammer. Bad, really bad. I accidentally +cough blasted through the wall with my Harley. The impact felt familiar – guess now I remember where that hole came from.

I'm proud of Walter; he's becoming a real man. He had gained the ability to sleep while standing and look like he's paying attention all the time. That ability has gotten me through most of the "round table"meetings. (Whiskey got me through the rest)

Shelby-boy called, wanted to know if I could remember where his car was. Shelby-boy has a car???...

I'm going to get drunk now...It´s not like I have anything better to do.

29. November

Bad day. Lil Brother visited. God, how I hate him! When I heard him approaching, I fled through the secret door in the library. Am hiding in the vents right now. Told Walter and Alucard to move over. Left a note on my desk saying: "Whoever reads this is dumb"Richard stormed out. Told Alucard to hide a rotting carcass in Richard's car. Am the happiest man in the world right now. Gone to celebrate.

ARGH! It's the mole people! They're out to get me! Save me Mr. Jiggles. ARGHHHH!!

Woke up in the attic, inside a suitcase… a locked suitcase. God knows why . . . or Shelby does.

30. November

I found a cannon in my backyard. Have absolutely no clue where that came from. Either it's a leftover from WW I...or I really should start reading the contracts Walter gives me to sign. Took a day off, practicing my aim. With the cannon of course. Smashed (by now) three houses, seven cars, one watchdog, Islands´ bicycle, the Queen's limousine, Alucard, a bird, at least thirteen windows and one army truck. Without passengers...I think. Run out of cannon balls, gone fetchin´ new ones.

Got distracted by a new pub

Several hours later I couldn't remember where I had left my cannon. Sent my soldiers to look for it while I was having a nap.

1. December

More stuff has turned up in the backyard. Apart from the cannon yesterday, I found an almost complete armor, bullet-proof clothes, grenades (lots of ´em), a hammer, dirt, a violin, more guns, a grenade launcher, a treasure map and bones. Didn't bother to find out whose. Gave them to Alucard. He's making a door out of them. Alright.

Found my cannon. Near Big Ben, which has a new hole in the side now.

Am thinking about holiday. Especially when Alucard found a nuclear warhead in the backyard.

2. December

Welcome to the Caribbean! I love rum. Got myself a fancy new hat. I love the Caribbean! Booze, beautiful women, rum, ships, pirate adventures, rum and treasure maps. I'm gonna quit being a Hellsing leader, my current job is pirate. Pirating is fun: lots of rum, no laws and you get to shoot at things with cannon. I am very happy.

Got mutinied. Not funny! Got stranded on a little island with nothing but a barrel of rum.

I love being mutinied! Rum just for me! Nice landscape, no annoying people here and, of course, the rum!

Why is the rum gone? Not the rum! I hate being mutinied! Stood at the beach and yelled for Alucard/Walter/someone to fetch me.

4. December

Walter saved me! I love him! Walter, my savior, he really, really, came to save me! It's just plain creepy how... he rowed here . . . on coffin-baby. With Alucard still inside. God was he pissed at sunset. I was so drunk I mistook him for a black poodle and tried to cuddle him. The result was not pretty. When we discovered that there is not enough room for all of us on the coffin (Alucard wouldn't let us set even one foot inside, he threatened to strangle us with barbed wire) I fetched my satellite phone and called Shelby-boy. He arrived in several hours with his helicopter. After that we (Walter and Alucard) sobered up and got him drunk instead, Shelby-boy took us home. Have I told you he was a damn good pilot when drunk? After a sightseeing-tour (Jamaica, Rio de Janeiro, Cuba, Trinidad & Tobago, New Zealand and Switzerland) we somehow ended up in Mexico.

Yay, Tequila!

5. December

You know how the saying goes? "If life gives you lemons, fetch the tequila!" And I have just managed to obtain a wagon load of lemons. Almost legally! Almost...alright I stole them. Told Alucard to steal them! It was his idea, after all. I'm innocent, he made me do It.! I'm kept here against my own will, save me! Mr. Jiggles!

After some locals mistook Alucard in dog-form for chupacabra...chubacra...chewbacca or something like that, I decided that we were leaving. Now. Quickly. Translated as "RUN AWAY!! "

I made an astonishing discovery: even when running for your life you can still hit many people with a metal baseball bat. Don't ask me where I got it, I don't even know. I'm still soooooo drunk; I think I see dancing tunas. Is that creepy? Oh yes, it is.

6. December

Hey, we're in Scotland. At least that's where I think we are, cause I think that figure in the skirt was a man. Or a really ugly woman, but I'm officially in denial about ugliness combined with women. And about some other things, like repressed child memories, global political status and peanut butter.

_There is no such thing as alcohol__ – free beer _

_There is no such thing as alcohol – free beer _

_There is no such thing as alcohol – free beer _

I just tricked some longhaired fellow (name was Mc thing-ma-jing, Cloudy, or something alike) into lending me his sword. Ha-ha, dumbass! Chopped off Alucard´s head. Ah, that peaceful silence...

..Hello? Alucard? Vladdy? Anyone?

Kitty, kitty, kitty...come Alucard now, get up! Move your lazy ass! Walter has made some new friends, and met a girl named Ness, Essy...I think they're cute together.

Alucard?

* * *

Author´s talk: Hey, that was really long until I updated. I just ran low on new ideas...but hey, I'm back!

Just to remind you, the "Gimme your wacky ideas" is still open. If you have ideas/suggestions/challenges for me, just tell me and I´ll try to build them into my story. Of course I can´t promise that all of them will show up in the next chapters, but I´ll try (I think until now every suggestions has amde it in, so don´t worry)

Big thanks to my reviewers, you keep me running.


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